With this up in most of my nerves, and you all over the rest of the unoccupied ones, I can’t think straight.

All I see is a blur, but the fuzzy image still makes a face of you.

You are smiling, however with a sneer face I haven’t seen before.

Know me? Yes you do. Yet I’m still less than half way through getting to understand you.

Who are you? How do you get this far with me on the other end I have barely moved?

It was supposed to be a race, but you won unfairly. You didn’t wait for the ‘set off’!

And all am left with is chase, coz that’s all I can do in this race, not minding to be second.

Am damned but what the heck!

I want you, I will chase. Hoping to catch!!

Nothing else matters. Nothing does but love.

And you make it all worth the while.

The smallest things, the ones no one realizes until they stand to lose them

Those are the defining points of Us and I want to cherish them

Like the way you stare, that look in your eyes

How you sleep, innocently at ease, your expression

The tiny bits of life like how you talk, the movement of your lips.

The way you cook, that unique flavor in your recipe

The sound of your laughter that I just cant live without.

And even when you are mad, there is still something about you

You made it easier, I don’t know if you noticed.

I never said it then, and am still not sure I would.

At first I was retracted and pulled away and nearly turned you down.

But later I realized that you were what I needed, and it worked.

Was going through a hard time and I needed help

Then you came along and made it all simple.

A distraction you were, but a good one at that.

And when you left, regardless of the reason, I was a healed man.

This time I neither moaned the past nor your departure.

I was whole.

Am still not sure I would be up and free, mended and Okay without you.

Since its up to me, I can make a decision and keep to it.

Of course many will say "I have to" and "it's just part of life and existence". But I refuse to concur.

Ask me about it, and I will answer, without hesitation or second thoughts.

"I don’t want to bring kids into this world if I am not sure they are gong to be OK."

I have had my share of life, and even if I am not an expert, or Ninety for that matter, I am pretty made up on that.

Am happy with what I am right now. I could waste my self to tartters, sleep in a ditch if it came to that and live the way I want. But I cant imagine doing these things with tiny little mouths belonging to cute little innocent beings I just helped bring into this earth waiting dry and open.

 

For all it's worth, I believe in planning and am not blaming anyone for a child who is suffering now. But its obvious that with a little more humanity and common sense it is not fair to them(kids).

To cut a long 'rant' short, "OK" to me just means that I can feed, dress, educate and provide fully for any seed of my loin and I just want to be sure of that before bringing them here.

I would rather my kids to have what I never had, and this doesnt mean I wasnt planed for. It's just what every one lives to see happen and if you understand you will agree.

I could say

"I am sorry I cant bring myself to that.

I am trying but I cant.

You mean a lot to me for us to just do that.

Or... I need  a friend…

You know, someone I can tell my shit and yet still hang around long enough to hear the end of it.”

 

Yet I hate that!

It hurts.

I hate it.

Hate how I feel like am torturing you to get there.

But I still believe that if you are sharp enough and you know that ‘us’, in reality, can’t be!!

We just cant, but we can be other things. Things others can only envy.

We have been there, done that.

Please don’t let this new fact ruin things!

Just let us be what we can handle and tolerate to be, without messing the awesome stuff we already have.

Let’s just be BFF’s… coz we both like it that way, and the other things we feel… we can suppress, without ruining things.

Let's just be.